bitch. A Self Portrait Project.

Artist Statement: 

     Our discussions in class regarding the construction of an identity were the class sessions that I enjoyed the most. I was learning so much about all the different things people do to their identity whether they shape it, constrain it, mask it, etc, especially my own person. Aside from enjoying Erik Erikson’s reading simply because we share the same phonetic spelling of our names, I was able to resonate with myself as well as learn more about how I portray my identity as well as how I built that portrayal. The first thing that comes to mind when I hear portrait is a painting, so I thought to myself that I was going to have to paint for this project. Then, I heard the words self-portrait and I figured that I was going to have to paint a picture of myself. And so, I decided to paint my thoughts the best way I know how to paint, through video. 

     Coming up with the idea for my self-portrait video, titled ‘bitch.’,was far from conventional. My original plans were to create some sort of narrative that I felt best fit me but it did not end up that way. What I will usually do when making some kind of story for a video is I will record myself and speak my thoughts out loud on camera, and then I will review the footage later and try and bounce any ideas that come to mind while watching myself and form a narrative through those steps. While reviewing my footage I noticed how raw and uncut my thoughts looked and sounded on tape, and this led me to the realization that I was doing things all wrong. I was trying my hardest to make a story that I wanted my identity to fit into and take mold after but in reality, all the thoughts in my head that I was repeating to the camera was really how I saw myself and my identity as it truly is. 

     Making the video was a very weird yet eye opening experience for me. I mean this in the sense that my feelings have never been provoked as much as they were while editing this. My style of editing videos usually involves using quick, timely, and comedic cuts and transitions and that was exactly how I followed through with the video. This time however, I interpreted my video as a dramatic one rather than a comedic one. I relate it a lot to the structure of a play. My character is going through the crisis seeing my own view of masculinity as a challenged and misconstrued one. Although I am portraying myself as the protagonist, my troubled thoughts play as an antagonist. The quick cuts which bombard a viewer represent just how much in disarray my thoughts are about myself and my identity. Along with that, I manipulated my footage so it shows how my uneasy articulation of simple sentences are plaguing me as well as my psyche.