I started with the shell, then drew the inner-me within it to show that that side of me is available to those I hold closest. The inner-me wears a noose, a shackle with two pink pieces, and has an acid tablet on his tongue. In front of him is a blue electric keyboard. In order, these represent my suicidal depression (I feel fine, lately, don't worry); my attachment issues, especially with my two most prominent exes; a drug that I think has influenced my creativity and mindset; and finally my love for and participation in music. I would've liked to involve basketball somehow as it's a big part of me, but I think most representations would be distastefully on-the-nose. The mask is a representation of the Taysir that the vast majority of people experience when they meet me because it takes a long time for me to get comfortable with new people. I wear the mask because I struggle with social anxiety and it causes me to avoid conversations with people for as long as I possibly can. I rarely speak at all during school days for this reason, and I dislike group projects and presentations because of it. This is why the inner-me and outer-me are so different-- I never really feel comfortable enough to be 'myself' unless I know the majority of people in an area, or I'm surrounded by my circle. Then it's like the anxiety goes away and for a while, I don't feel so distressed about just existing. Going back to being alone and having to maneuver through the day with as few interactions as possible is exhausting and it led to some lengthy bouts with depression throughout high school and my first two years of college (I then transferred from Morehouse to here because it became unbearable). I distracted myself from my mental health by playing video games and listening to music pretty much always, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
I subconsciously drew from Erik Erikson's theory of Psychosocial Development, specifically the Isolation vs. Intimacy stage. I'm a very guarded person and it leads to isolation more often than not, and even in my honest attempts at intimacy, the relationships tend to be degraded by toxicity on both sides and unwillingness to fix it on one or both. My social anxiety has forced me into isolating myself whenever possible, and it takes persistence for people to crack through the shell and see if there's anything worthwhile inside. I'm appreciative of those who try, despite not wanting to ever start a conversation with a stranger myself.
I drew inspiration from a lot of people, but the most obvious is Alex Eckman-Lawn. A lot of his work has physical layers so that someone could actually reach into it-- the shell in my painting was done with a reference to one of his works. Other influences include Hirohiko Araki (creator of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure), Van Goth, and nychos. I mostly listened to PUP's album Morbid Stuff, Billy Woods's Hiding Places, and JPEGMAFIA's Veteran while thinking about what to do for this as well as while I actually got it done.
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