My approach to completing the self-portrait assignment was through the recording of a musical piece. I believe that by using music, I am able to successfully paint a clear picture of who I am as an individual. I’ve found that I’m not the most social or opinionated person even though I’d like to be. As the youngest child in a large family, I grew up in a household of critical and overly judgmental people. As a consequence of this, I believe it caused me to develop much of the anxiety that I have today in my adulthood.
I am diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder (SAD) which has been the nemesis in my life. In my lyrics, I speak of how I lack mental peace and clarity. I’ve found that music is a great way for me to easily express my thoughts and feelings. I focus on my identity and image in relevance to the course material and the understanding of individuality. My lyrics describe me, my thoughts, my dreams, my goals, and my insecurities, all the things that make me who I am. My purpose for doing so is to bring awareness to SAD on how it continues to shape my life and the people around me. Being a performer, I set out to use my talent, but without the right mindset, it is impossible to share those abilities with everyone.
According to WebMD, Oprah Winfrey once suffered from social anxiety, “Winfrey said in a 2013 interview that anxiety nearly caused her to have a nervous breakdown. “In the beginning, it was just sort of speeding and a kind of numbness and going from one thing to the next thing to the next thing,” she said. “I will tell you when I realized that I thought, ‘All right, if I don’t calm down, I’m gonna be in serious trouble.”[1] The feeling of “out of control” is a better term to describe my situation. I’ve often felt that my image lacks “normalness” presumably because of irrational thoughts invading my mind daily.
I found that artists as great as Grammy Award-winning artist, Adele, “refuses to perform at music festivals or any large venues due to her anxiety and panic attacks. Although the money is much less, Adele is much happier singing at low-key venues.” [2] I relate to Adele strongly as I feel the smaller the crowd the easier it will be for me to perform. The thought process is that the lesser the crowd of people, the lesser the chance of being judged. Of all class discussions and readings, I made a greater connection with Hilma af Klint because she had a very courageous mindset as a woman and took chances that many wouldn’t take during her time. She greatly inspired my artistic piece by showing me that it is okay to be different and even unaccepted! Hilma represents courage and strength, all the things that make a person, in my mind, complete.
S.A.D
All
alone in my thoughts
Wishing
I could speak
Seems
like I’ve lost my voice
Trapped
in this mystique
Feeling
overly self-conscious
Always
feeling small
Wish
I could go to my room
And
not deal with life at all
Now
I know it bodes ill will
For
me to hide and just be still
I
need to be among the rest
And
not feel that I’m not the best
I
must admit this is a lonely life
I
would rather see the light
To
not just smile and where the mask
But
to be fully engaged and fit in at last
As
I take a deep breath
I
know I’ll take a chance
Pushing
through the fear
I’m
going to take a stance
My
identity is beginning to unfold
I
can tell some stories that were never ever told
[1] Felson, Sabrina. “Pictures of 18 Famous People with Anxiety.” WebMD, WebMD, 21 July 2018, www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/ss/slideshow-celebrities-anxiety.
[2] https://www.anxiety.org/anxiety-attacks-plague-singer-adele
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